"Calm me with your lies, your simple tragedy is all I wish to hear tonight..."

Why is it that some people (townies) seem to think that a life in and out of court/police stations/jail is a life well spent?? What is it that goes through their head that makes them think 'Yeah, I'm happy like this'?? I just don't get it. The thought of going to prison would scare the crap out of me (perhaps I've watched a little too much Oz) but they seem to be very blase about it. How can they think that that is a good way to live?? Surely they must realise there is better to be had?? (Again, this is actually being posted on the 27th, though it was, again, written on the 26th.)

Undeservedly so...

What do you do when someone has so much faith in you, you just know (at some point), they'll be let down?? It's not that I want too, more than anything I want to 'prove myself' but I think it's beyond my control. No matter how hard I work this freakin' course seems never ending. And he (okay, I may as well drop the anonymity, it's Stef) says he won't feel let down but... well, how I know for sure? I probably will, why wouldn't he? I love the fact that he takes an interest in what I do though- I don't think any of my other boyfriends have even had the slightest idea of what I was doing, what I am doing (most [the one's I still speak too/still speak to anyway] probably still don't). Nope, they would happily chatter away for hours about what they were doing- factory work, for instance (and trust me, a few minutes talking about problems in a factory that has something- and it's beyond me exactly what- to do with Kodak, seems like hours so actual hours... years, decades, centuries.... ) but I don't think I was ever asked what was happening with me. And I don't mean to sound selfish here but a relationship has to be two way, does it not? And part of that, for me anyway, is to take an interest in the other persons day to day life, not just the parts they've been with. It has to be a real interest too, faked just doesn't cut it (though, as hard as I tried, in terms of factory work, it was FAKED!!!). Anyway, back to the point in hand (or should that be at?)... what do I do?? I really don't want to let him down. He has taken a real interest in my life- work, college, friends etc and he has so much faith in me that I really don't think I deserve so I really don't want to let him down but I think it's going to take ages to finish the course- months, not weeks- and I don't want him to feel disappointed in me. Advice?? Btw, despite the date of this, it's actually the 27th...I'll explain about my birthday weekend and I'll do the tag (see the comment on my last entry) when I have more time.

"Well it's a wondeful night for a moondance..."

I'm going to update you with my weekend/birthday events next time I'm online (I'm at college at the moment and am aware how close I am to Jade's desk so don't want to write too much now). It probably won't be until the weekend, or if not then, until next week. I just want to tell you all now how much of an amazing weekend/day it was!! YAY!!!

I'll keep you hanging on until then to find out why though...

Darkest
xxx

P.S Stef loves my hair!!!

P.S Happy 39th Anniversary to mum and dad!

"There isn't enough time in the day?? You ARE kidding, right??

2 hours before I leave work (well, 1 hour 55 minutes and counting...) and I am utterly utterly restless. I had to force myself to concentrate on my work this morning, I'm about to give up hope this afternoon. I'm actually on lunch now but I'm too excited to eat (though very hungry). I managed a few forkfulls of rice (though I think I got more on my desk than I did in my mouth due to the severe lack of concentration. I can eat properly, I promise) but had to give up. I need to fill the remaining half hour of my lunch break but nothing is holding my attention. I thought about going out for ahwile but that would I mean I find another million things I want which I can't afford (financial shackles are holding me down. Virgin and HMV have a lot to answer for.
I normally have lunch with mum on Fridays which usually helps to distract me somewhat but she is having her hair cut during her lunch break today (I'm having minde done at 4:30 thankfully as it is a state. Nice colour though.) so we had lunch yesterday which made me think yesterday was Friday which really doesn't help with the fact that I really cannot be bothered with today in the slightest (until 4 then I will be more bothered with today than the rest of the week put together).
2 hours now seems like such a long time.

"So when I see you next, we'll make the most of it, tell the sun to start moving again..."

Stef's coming tomorrow!! I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!! I havent mentioned it before today as I wasn't totally sure if he'd be coming but apparently he is, so YAY!!!!! I can't wait to see him...kiss him...hug him.... it seems like aaages!!! I have to admit, I am a little worried though.... he has a lot going on at the moment (family stuff) and I don't want to get in the way of that... I don't want him to regret coming and I don't want his family to be upset that he's abandoning them. I would've been disappointed if he hadn't been able to come though, and I know it wouldn't be his fault or anything but... it would've made the weekend a very depressing one.
Anyway, before I ramble (and I am oh so good at that), back to my point... Stef's coming, I finally get to see him.... I can't wait!!!!!!!!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Stef!!!!

"Who are you, babe? This is my apartment, babe."

As I was coming back to work after lunch, some random, weird guy said "Hi baby" to me. Now, please explain, is that meant to be attractive? Am I then meant to fall at his feet and ask him where he's been all my life?? No good has ever come from calling a woman 'baby'. The only people it would appeal too, I'd imagine, are townies and hip hop wannabies, of which I am definitely neither.
Or maybe... I know I look young for my age but that's ridiculous!!

"If you ever get near us, don't jeer us, we're fearless..."

What is it with lawyers and not being there when you need them?? There as bad as policemen. Though policemen are more honest and less money-grabbing, I would guess (I'm expecting the lynch mob of lawyers any time soon...)
I've just spent the last half and hour running from office to office trying to find a lawyer to take an URGENT URGENT URGENT duty call and is anyone around?? No. Except, thankfully, Beverly, tucked away in her little office (poor woman).
In a department of 5 child care lawyers and 2 legal executives (3 if you count Louise) surely the could've timed their lunch breaks better?? It's like they know there aren't many of us in secretarial so they decide to cause havoc. Either that or they knew a duty call was coming and they just didn't want to take it....

Random thought of the day: Do you ever feel like your just a pawn in somebody's game? Kinda like the end of the film Men In Black.

"Smile like you mean it.... or at least frown like you don't!"

Okay, I was wrong... the guy I thought wouldn't speak to me is doing. He isn't as pathetic as I kinda assumed!

"The knee bone's connected to the something, the something's connected to the red thing, the red thing's connected to my wrist watch.... uh oh..."

Today has been one of 'those' days... I'm not going to go into detail because, frankly, I can't be bothered. All I will say is............grrrr! Full of emotional blackmail and stuff...*sigh*

Everyone at work liked my hair though, can't be bad!! I got lots of people saying it looked really good, lovely etc etc. Stef has yet to see it though, and he's the one that really matters... I'll keep you posted!

Plus... Talky McTalkerson has left work... unfortunately, she cunningly left about 4 inches of filing for me to do.... thank you Ms McTalkerson, much appreciated...hmmmmmm...
This is after 2 or 3 weeks of putting in into chronological order... something tells me she was reading every document, and not just to check the date!! Looks like I'll be filing for a while... woo-hoo.

Curl up and dye

I'm dying my hair tonight.... I'm going 'Cosmic Blue' (in reality, what is the less glamorously named blue-black). I have to say, I'm pretty nervous... if it goes wrong I'm never leaving the house again!!!

In other news.... I still don't know where my disk is. Kinda worried now. Jade's disappeared but before I leave I'm going to ask her if she's seen it *sigh* I am totally bored of college now. I want out!!!

Song of the day: Rainmaker by Iron Maiden (Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!!)

Hey, it's nearly my birthday... 6 days....

"Ballroom dancing? Is that where you dance in a room full of balls?"

Last week I forgot to take my disk out of the computer at college... this week, I can't find it. I'm going to speak to Jade about it in a minute but I'm very worried. I've done a lot of work on that disk and I know I can re-do it but it took a fair while to do it and it means it'll slow me down. That isn't going to help me to get out. Plus I don't want to have to re-do everything anyway. Grrrrrrrrrr!!

"I know that they're right, betting smokes that our end is just as close..."

Last night was... interesting.

I was vaguely paying attention to CCUK (http://www.christianchat.co.uk) and someone I havent spoken to for a while was on (though I don't think I paid him as much attention as I perhaps should've done) and someone I usually speak to was on......... though I don't think he'll speak to me again. I think I know what I said that caused the problems (he made a face- you know the one with the straight mouth- : - and then left very apruptly. I think, perhaps, I hit home. What I've been saying for ages finally sunk in. I know at least one person that will be very happy about that. I don't know, maybe it's for the best if he doesn't speak to me again. I am being a little presumptious, he may not be that pathetic. We'll see though.

I didn't have much time to dwell on it last night as I phoned Stef afterwards and had another fantastic conversation anyway.

Darkest
xxx

(Btw- for once the title is somewhat relevent!)

"What's your song tonight?" "I don't want a song! I just want things to be okay!!"

This is just a quick (unrelated) add on to the last entry...

Apparently, one of the people who thinks I'm unstable, still thinks it.... I happen to have gained a few injuries last week (see Saturday 14th's entry) and apparently he was worried they were non accidental! Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!!! I would NEVER do anything like that, just the thought makes me shiver!!

I thought we were past this... apparently we're not! He seemed to believe me when I said they were accidental so hopefully that's the end of it. I dont know, maybe I'm taking offense to something that I just plain shouldn't. He's only looking out for me, right??

"Cool is.... not having to write down the definition of cool."

Good news!! Anna got the job!

She's pretty much sorted now- when she has accomadation (which she may already have for all I know) she can move down. Which is great, I'm very happy for her, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why she gets everything handed on a plate whereas I have to work freakin' hard. I know she's in a better position (finacially, job wise etc) to move but I wish I could get just one break.
I guess what it boils down to is that I'm too impatient. I know at the moment moving is impossible and I want to finish college and pass my driving test (both of which seem a very long way off at the moment) before I move but it took about 5 months of planning (maybe a bit longer) before everything fell into place for her and i know it will take me SO much longer.

I know that if it's God's will then He will provide a way but I want to get out of here. I hate P'boro but more than that, I hate being without Stef. It just doesn't seem fair somehow. All the couples around who live near each other and just don't appreciate it and don't realise how lucky they are to get to see their boyfriend/girlfriend every day (like, for instance, Anna and James (when they were together), Tracey and Duncan [though I wouldn't want to see Duncan everyday]) and Stef and i only get to see each other for a few days at a time and even that is dependent on so many factors. It's horrible. And depressing. I miss him so much and everything seems to make me miss him more- really stupid things like being in town without him (it's never as fun when he's not with me), watching something on TV that I've watched with him (e.g. Derren Brown on Friday), a couple kissing on TV or in town, wherever. It drives me insane. Absolutely insane. It's horrible.

I know I probably should get used to it (looks like it's going to be this way for a while) but it is so hard.

And coming straight from the dark side....

Have you ever had a thought that is so unbelievably selfish, you shock even yourself by it?? I just had one.... I'm not going into any more detail as I have a fair idea of who reads this but needless to say, I'm not proud of myself. Apologises to the one it concerns, even though they don't know about it...

Your humble apologist (if that's a word. Or even if it isn't.)

Darkest
xxx

"Well I was going to ask for a glass of water but now I feel guilty."

You know how sometimes you can be having a fantastic, amazing converstaion and then one subject can come up and ruin everything?? That happened last night. And I know I can over-react sometimes (though not as much as a certain person thinks) but...well, I was upset. And I guess what it boils down to is that maybe I am a little protective but that's only because I know no one else will be. And everyone deserves a second chance, and a third and even fourth if that's what it takes to get back on the 'straight and narrow'.

Anyway, once that was sorted it out (which didn't take long) the conversation went back to being fantastic. I don't think I have ever felt so comfortable or so able to talk to anyone in my life. I don't think I could speak to anyone for 7 hours straight (October 2003 but I would love to do it again), especially as it was before we were even going out. I know married couples that couldn't speak for that long! I have a real connection here and I love it. I have never felt so comfortable and so relaxed in a relationship. It's amazing. I've never really been one for the whole 'fortress' thing but I have really relaxed into this relationship. For the first time, I am really happy and I am really loving it. I just wish he wasn't so far away. It gets harder each time he has to go/I have to go. I have never felt like this about anyone before and the guy it happens with just happens to be over 100 miles away....these things are sent to try us.....and try us they do!!!

Oh well, I have been blessed and for that I am grateful.

God bless

Darkest
xxx

Oooh fire!

It's Pentecost....

"Spirit of truth
My ears deceive me
Teach me how to see
My ears can not hear
My mouth is to dry to speak
You have searched me
You, You know me
There is nothing good inside me
Purge me, make me clean
My heart needs courage so burn inside of me"

(Five Iron Frenzy- Burn)

Good is all around...

So far, today has proved to be a very good day. I have to say, I was somewhat pessimistic (that's the word I'm looking for, right?) this morning but it proved me wrong in fine style. a few things happened...

• My very good friend Anna, I found out this mmorning, has a job interview at a school in Southampton

• Jason spoke to me a few times (I realise at this point I sound like a silly little girl with a crush- the 'He knows my name *collapse into a fit of girlie giggles' type scenario but I assure you, it isn't like that. It's just nice to speak to someone else, especially as he's nearer my age than anyone else [exception of Anna, Dave and Lizzy but they're not always around)]- actually, he may not be, but I think adding 10 years on is nearer than taking 6 years off, if that makes any sense. I feel closer to him age wise than I do with the 11/12 year old girls. I'm rambling here and probably not making any sense so I'll stop now. and he said goodbye to me when he was leaving. In fact, he made a specific point of saying goodbye to me... I was talking to mum and he tapped me on the shoulder to let me know they were going now.

• Finally, I have, at long last, been given the job of sorting out the church noticeboard and keeping it up to date- not much I know, but it's a chance to let my imagination run wild!! The biggest problem with it is that it hasn't been changed for sooooooo long that no one really looks at it any more. That, I assure you, will change!! I have big plans for this... the little artistic talent that I have will be chanelled into it!

Anyway, so it's been a good day... I should be tidying my room now but I can't be bothered to be honest. And I could do with a bulldozer to help but I guess I'll just have to save it for some other time. Oh the pain, the pain of it all....

Darkest xxx

Well... I made it!

The Escape Plan of Darkest Red

Well I am soooooooooooo glad this week is over!!! I've got so many paper cuts and a chunk (albeit a small one) out of my finger, thanks to the heavy security doors at work. All in all, I've wanted to spend this week hiding under my duvet with Tiggery. It really has been an awful week... Jade came to observe me on Thursday though and I've finished another unit. I'm hoping my disk is at college still (I forgot it on Tuesday) so I can get the other units finished a.s.a.p. I want to escape!!!!

WOAH!!! (Part III: The Return of Woah!)

Now, see, I don't want to be one of these people who only ever seem to be down. I'm not (regardless of what some people think. Though they have a 'hunter becoming the hunted' kind of thing going down with that anyway) and I don't want to be seen that way. To quote Relient K (and for the asleep amongst you, you made to think about this once more) "I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am."

So anyway, rambling aside, I just want to let you know I feel better about it now. I dont know why really, nothing has changed but I feel better for venting. Now I'm a happy Joyberry again and ready to take on the world...

Love and big sloppy kisses,

Darkest
xxx

WOAH!!! (Part II)

These posts are like buses aren't they? None for ages then they all turn up at once...

Right or wrong though, I need to vent. Everytime I come to college there's just something about it that makes me feel... I don't know. Like I'm never going to get out of here. Everytime I do something, there still always seems to be about a million things left I have to do. I think my target of June is overly optimistic at best, utterly preposterous at worst. And what makes it worse is the fact I was never supposed to be here. All the plans I had were wrecked (e.g. PRC, the whole Media Makeup thing) and were all a complete waste of time. I had no other provisions for the future, that was my plan. That was what would happen. No questions, no need to think of anything else. And so.... 2 years later, I just sort of find myself here. Not where I wanted to be, but none the less, I'm here. And yeah, it's going to be useful (if I ever finish it) but at the moment my motivation is still so low. It took me about 30 minutes to get out of bed this morning. And it wasn't because I'm tired (though I am), it was just I didn't want to have to think about going to college. This isn't how it's meant to be, surely?? Every so often I get all motivated up again but I know I have a long way to go and it's going to be so hard to keep it up. Believe it or not, I'm not feeling particularly down at the moment. I just want something more, you know? I don't want to spend the rest of my life being an office monkey. I want to make a difference. And at the moment, I don't see that happening. To quote Five Iron Frenzy, "Nothing changes, nothing will."

The very fact that I'm writing this proves how low my motivation is... I'm at college but instead of working (in the near silent room), I'm typing this instead.

Despite the fact I have next to no motivation at the moment, I still really want to finish this stupid course. It feels like I've spent most of my life doing it. This is the course that never ends, and it goes on and on my friend.....
And the reality of the situation? I have to work despite the fact I have no motivation to do so, I have to work hard and GET THE JOB DONE!!!

So... back to work...and with each word I type, the escape plan comes that little bit closer to happening...

Love, peace and may God's blessings rain down on all of you forever more.

Darkest
xxx

P.S Next one will be happier hopefully!

Woah!!

Well..I'm going to be honest. I have to say, I forgot about my escape plan. Maybe that means it's all an illusion and there is no actual plan, who can say? Maybe it all means that I'll be stuck here. My escape plan is nothing more than............pretence. But anyway....

Hello... I doubt anyone will actually read this, but hello none the less. I'm going to be adding thoughts to this when I remember too so feel free to comment (if there's anybody out there).

Today my thoughts are revolving mainly around college. Woo-hoo. College. Fun. The room is silent except for the sounds of the computer (very noisy, I could make a quieter one myself. Possibly.) and....now this is the icing on the cake of driving-me-to-the-edge-of-insanityness, some guy (called Bernard) talking to himself. See, there is no fairness in this. I think I got rid of one Talky McTalkerson at work (not like I hired a hitman or anything, btw, I'm not that cruel. Yet.) and now I have one at college. Yeah, no one said life would be fair but NO ONE said it wouldnt be!! Still, life drones on, and I want to be out of this place!!! So... this, I would guess, is where the escape plan would fit in perfectly. So I hear you cry... *pauses to hear the cries* what is it?

And that, m'darlings, is where you come in................. any ideas??

SAVE ME!!!