"You threw away the breadcrumbs under the toaster! Ben and I were saving those for when we run out of bread!"

This is another 'Am I the only one..' post.. sorry!

So...

Am I the only person in the world that thinks the idea of strippers (male or female, makes no difference) is REALLY horrible??? I can't think of much that is more tacky and..just...horrible. And...though I hate to be quoting her...Ms Dynamite has it right when she sung.. "A real woman ain't sexy for no man's dough"

I don't know how people can do it. I really don't. I'd rather die than do it (not that I have the body for it anyway!). In fact... I would literally kill myself rather than do it.

I could write a lot more on this....but I can't be bothered at the moment. I'm too tired to express myself properly. I may save it for a future post though.

Watch this space!

"Am I to be just another slave to your false god? WHY DO YOU SLAY ALL THE BADGERS?? They did nothing to deserve it!"

Today, ladies and gentlemen...was my last day at work!

It feels a bit strange now.

I would say I'll be sad to never walk down the corridors again.. but I wont be so I wont. I will miss the people though. John and I had a good debate about whether Radiohead are music to kill yourself by! (I think it is, he just laughed!).

I had a presentation this morning (I got a card, a bunch of flowers and £20 worth of HMV vouchers but I did have to make a speech!) and then the secretaries went out for lunch. it was fun!

Anyway, now I'm onto the next stage of pretending I'm someone...wish me luck!

I'm almost out of breath from saying things that I'll regret...

Am I the only person in the world that thinks Paris Hilton is actually REALLY manky looking??

The clouds are gatherin...

I just spent a lovely 40 minutes outside, lying on the grass listening to a fantabulous CD (Barenaked Ladies Greatest Hits: 1991 - 2001. I totally recommend it!) and watching dark, dark grey clouds slowly rolling in. It was so relaxing, I loved it. It was really still outside too, like it is just before a big storm. Because of that, it was also pretty much just me outside so I gave the flies and birds that were about an impromptu sing along!

"Well the info you gave was wrong. You gave me that option, why not just leave it at that? Is it not enough?"

Following on from Sunday... I did a mini Cross 'n' Burn (!) thing yesterday.. I didn't think I'd be able too as it was raining all of Monday and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find a lighter/string/anything to make a cross out of but, as if it was destiny... Monday night before I went to bed, I found a lighter (complete with fuel). When I woke up on Tuesday it was a beautiful, sunny, warm day and I found two bits of wood that were perfect for it as soon as I got to the bottom half of the garden!

At first it didn't burn very well but once it had got going it burned pretty well. I was worried it was going to burn!

Only time will tell if it will work.

TFK

"Have you ever felt this way before?
'Cause I don't want to hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming
Shut the door"

"And I'm tired of being alone, left crying in the dark.."

Tonight I think I'm going to finish on the net, then go to my room, put a CD on my personal CD player (so I don't wake people up) and cry a HELL of a lot. Hey, I've already made a start... practice makes perfect, right?!!

Hopefully I'll feel better when I just let everything out. I hope so anyway, I don't want to feel like this.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly" - Richard Bach

You know when someone asks you a question about why you do something but you can't answer?

Stef asked me on Saturday night why I let one of my "friends" (the quote marks are: a) for the benefit of Stef who truly believes it and b) for me, as I'm coming to that conclusion, just slower, like a milk cart to Stef's Ferrari, so to speak) get away with stuff that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with. The question stumped me. I hadn't even thought about it until then. To be honest, until he asked me, I hadn't even realised that's what I was doing. I knew I let hiim get away with stuff but the fact that I wouldn't let other people get away with it hadn't even crossed my mind. The guy in question isn't even the type of person I'd want as a friend- I normally try to avoid people like him. He's arrogant (which is bad enough in itself, but made worse by the fact he denies it when he is SO arrogant!), conceited, sex obsessed (much more so than your average male) and he can be so horrible to people (though if I was around at the time I always told him to stop. And he was always nice to me). Stef is convinced this guy is only after one thing (and no, he doesn't mean an unconditional friendship) and that if it was any other guy he'd give them the benefit of the doubt but... it's this guy. I can see exactly where Stef is coming from but I don't want 'Mike' (nearly named and shamed!) to be 'that' guy.

The scariest thing is the fact I do continually let him off with stuff without even having a reason or knowing why. Scary.

"I was shocked; usually I use the 'I'm dying' as a way of passing the time and whipping up a little extra sympathy or a free dinner." - Mike Pilavachi

*WARNING: VENT AHEAD*

I don't like the person I think I'm becoming.
Today, for instance, as it was Anna's last Sunday before she moves (Tuesday is set to be a very dark day for me) everyone was talking about that and I was getting SO sick oh earing about it all. I don't want to be so envious but I just can't help it. She is one of those people to whom everything falls into her lap at exactly the right moment.

I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong, I just wish things would go as well for me. I wish my life was as trouble-free as hers.

I don't want to feel like this, especially not about her. She's a good friend- along with Lizzy and Dave (who was in Crapville last week, shame I missed him)- and have been my entire life. And I do totally understand that she's excited, if I ever do make it out of here alive, I'll feel exactly the same way.

I had another example I was going to put but I can't. It was all written out and everything but... I can't put it. Not if I want people to still have a good (or even fairly decent) opinion of me.

Why am I such a horrible person? I didn't used to be like this. I haven't felt anything like this for ages- last time i felt kinda similar (though not as bad) was around Easter ages ago. At church we had a big cross on the chancel and we all wrote on a piece of paper something we wanted to get rid off from our lives (e.g. a reoccuring sin etc) and they were all pinned on the cross. On Good Friday after the March of Witness we had a service and the cross (with the bits of paper on it) were burned. I have to admit, I was somewhat skeptical about that making any difference (though I shouldn't have been) but it REALLY did work. I felt so much better for ages. In fact I haven't felt anything like this since....until now. I'm tempted to do my own little version.

"Just use me up and then you walk away, why do you play me that way?"

I was speaking to Kathy yesterday and it doesn't look like they're keeping me on. As my position is a trainee position and as I'll be trained, they'll want to bring in someone else they can pay peanuts.... I mean, a trainee, so I'll be out of a job.

As previously said, I didn't particularly enjoy working here and I didn't really want to stay but I did need the money. If I had money saved (and if I didn't need to pay for driving lessons, or if they weren't so expensive) I wouldn't mind, in fact, I'd enjoy the break, but I've been financially struggling for months (driving lessons, phonebill, overworked and underpaid!) and it can only get worse when I'm down to my last pay slip. And then there's the fact I wasn't told until a week and a bit (I think) before my contract ends. My final words on the matter (for now anyway) have no choice but to be:

Bring on the job hunt!

"It takes a lot for me to get the nerve to wake up every day... and what if I don't would you even care?"

You know those days when you jsut want to crawl back into bed and not get out until you something good is going to happen? Today has most definitely been one of those days.
I hda to go to court quite a few times and each time I had to force myself to go back to work- I would've much rather hopped on a train and gone somewhere-anywhere- else. Obviously, I'd be limited as to where I could go (in fact, my bank account would have stopped me in my tracks anyway) but, as usual, I just wanted to get out.
And then there's the sharp reminder of the different attitudes to things that Christians (in general anyway, though apparently not in Winchester) find offensive, whereas non Christians don't give a 'flying crap' about. See, I can understand that a non Crhsitian wouldn't be affected by it but I wouldn't have thought that someone who cares about me would be so dismissive about something that obviously means a lot to me. Telling me 'not to take it too seriously' and that it's 'nothing major' just doesn't seem to fit in with the respect that is supposed to be shown (as I'm sure it is there).

I guess I could be making a bigger deal out of this than I should (I'm tired, stressed out from work and feeling crappy because Stef isn't here) but the flippancy that was (and continues to be) shown bothers me and as hard as I try to fight/ignore it, I can't.
At the moment (and I'm praying it's wrong) this seems to be the end. I don't want it to be. My life is nothing without him. Nothing.

"I can't keep going but I can not turn my back..."

I feel so... so meh today. I had a fantabulous weekend (and a bit) with Stef, it was absolutely amazing, but now I'm back in the 'real world' and it sucks so much.
The day after I get back always feels awful this time it's worse than usual. It's getting harder and harder- the thought of doing this for another year or whatever is a killer *sigh*
I feel so crappy when he's not with me. He is the only good thing in my life at the moment. Everything else is so crappy.
It doesn't help that with my current lack of finance I can't afford to phone him at the moment and he doesn't reply to all of my texts- I know he's sometimes out or busy etc and usually he's just not wasting his credit (and I'd feel guilty if he wasted it on me) but I feel quite alone when he doesn't reply. Stupid, I know.

I just wish, for once, we'd get a break. I don't want to have to keep saying goodbye.

I guess it was pretty naive of me but I didn't realise it would be this hard. I 've been in long distance relationships before and it was no problem. Though, admittedly, none of them meant anything near as much as this (not even kinda close) and none of them lasted more than 3 months. This though, this...wow!!

As I said, it was a fantabulous weekend. I laughed sooooooooo much!!! And isn't it amazing how sexy/beautiful you can feel when you're around someone who truly thinks you're sexy/beautiful?

"Of course I thought I was dying- I usually do whenever I'm bored and slightly ill" - Mike Pilavachi

I'm sooooooooooooooooo bored!!! Stef is no where to be found (and not answering his phone) and I'm left...here...alone...cold...booooooooooooooooooooooored!!!!!!!!!

Good job I'm not slightly ill too or I might start presuming things...

"I rest my case. You're an idiot."

I spent a lot of Saturday and Sunday tidying my room and whenever I got to my PRC stuff (make up etc) my first thought was that they could be thrown away as I wouldn't be needing them (apart from a few bits and bobs- disposable mascara wands, brushes, hair clips/brushes/combs etc) and I was just about to do it and then... I just couldn't. I know this is really stupid, there's no point keeping things I'm never going to use, they're just collecting dust (and a lot of it! There were mountains of dust! Okay, maybe molehills.) and they're taking up space that could be used by something else (or more dust). Somehow though, I just couldn't bring myself to throw them away. I think I have a hoarder gene (inherited from dad) but normally (and the weekend being no exception) I'm very strict with myself and just throw stuff out when I know I'm not going to use it (sometimes it has to be a concentrated effort!) but I just couldn't throw it out. I don't know why. The only reason I could think of was that the course I was on was the only course I've done that I've actually wanted to do. And I loved doing it.

"You know it's hard, to leave your past behind..." (Less than Jake- sorry, can't remember which song off hand)

I'm going to keep trying though. I know there is no point keeping it and I'm being more than a little pathetic in doing so.

"You know it's hard to leave your past behind... as I pass the crummy bars and beat up cars...nothing will change my mind, there's no turning back this time..."

It'll be like that, I'm sure. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. Though when I finally leave Crapville-if I ever make it out alive- it will be literally like that!)

"At times I lie in bed wondering whether God really exists. At times I lie in bed wondering whether I really exist." - Mike Pilavachi

For the first time EVER I'm actually disturbed by a paragraph in a book!

The book is...well...I can't remember what it's called but it's the second book in The Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King.

I don't disturb easily (in fact, I've been called disturbing myself) but... I don't know. See, Stephen King is a genius writer but none of his books have ever made me think ''Woah!" before.

I dont want to say too much in case anyone wants to read it themselves but basically this guy erm...how can I put this nicely?? Puts a cat in an oven and switches the oven on to 500 degrees (I think it was that, off the top of my head. Not that it's really relevant.). I think the bit that was most disturbing for me was the way he took his time to get the cat to be brave enough to go near him to begin with and after that he scooped the cat up and...well... the oven beckoned. The cat didn't really seem to trust him anyway but, as it was a stray and milk was on offer, it went over to the milk. Fatal mistake!!

Metaphorically, this can happen to the best of us- so many people bravely do something they don't really want to on the promise of something they need (or want). I think that's what disturbed me a little!

Well done Mr King! You rock!!!

"If I were a cupcake, where would I land?"

I have a z shaped scratch on my leg. It's like a minature Zorro stopped by!

"I wish I had a nose!"

I feel really guilty about my dream. I know I couldn't really help it but... I still feel guilty.

"On second thoughts, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

By the way, just so I don't get complaints (like I ever was going to), I am not encouraging or in any way endorsing the use of PCP except when it is legal and necessary.

There. Piece said.

Goodnight all!

Darkest
xxx

P.S. I'll try to write more frequently than I have been doing lately from today!

PCP spells gun in the head...

One of my local radio stations are doing a competition to give away a PSP (the new Playstation thing) and the bloke called it a PCP instead... something tells me that wouldn't be a competition to adverstise! Though it would make the radio station more interesting. You probably need PCP to appreciate it. The woman also called it 'sexy'. Sexy is one of the most over-used words in the world. How can it be sexy? Sleek, stylish...whatever, yes but not sexy. STOP using the word 'sexy' to describe EVERYTHING! It isn't big and it isn't clever!

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

You know when you have a really horrible dream and parts of it keep going round in your head? I had one of 'those' last night... it wasn't horrible in a nightmare type way but it was absolutely horrible. I'm not going to go into the details as I really don't want to but... I wish for once I'd have nice dreams instead of weird horrible ones!

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

When did my life get so...so...samey???

"And it's been a while..."

It's been a while since I posted here last (apologies)... at the moment I've been kind of swept away in college work/work stuff...my supervisor wants to extend my contract and on the one hand I REALLY do NOT want to stay, the thought of it makes me want to scream, but on the other... I REALLY need the money. I have no idea what to do. There aren't many full time jobs going that I can apply for (I don't see the point of applying for one I'm not going to find interesting as I already have a job I'm bored in) and I can't afford to take part time. Though i would ideally want to stay in legal, I'll quite happily take anything else that would be interesting... Anna said she could see me working in a dentist or doctors surgery reception and I wouldn't mind that, but the only ones going (at the moment, anyway) are part time and that just isn't a possibility.

Speaking of Anna, she has a flat... I'm happy for her, of course, but I can't help but wish my life would move at the same pace as hers. She gets everything she wants handed on a plate for her and, just once, I want that for me. It's a little depressing anyway because when she's gone (23ed August is the planned date), it will mean that none of my friends officially live in Crapville anymore (though obviously a few of them will be here every now and then). 23rd August is set to be a depressing day! I don't want to end up bitter and twisted but I SO want to be able to move out of Crapville and at the moment college seems never ending (even though i was meant t0 finish at the end of July) and while I'm still at college I can't get a proper job *sigh* Anyone out there with prayers going spare... please pray for me!

*siiiiiiiiigh* filled hugs

Darkest
xxx

P.S. Thanks for being so lovely to me Stef!