"Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Men SUCK!! Pathetic,manky, disgusting creatures. Bleurgh.

An embarrassing confession and slushy moments (apologies guys)

I was watching Hitched last night (Will Smith= AMAZING eyes!) (not that that's why I was watching it) and that got me thinking about Stef and how amazing what we have is, and that made me unbelievably happy which made me...........*whispers* dance. That would've all been well but I had SERIOUS back ache yesterday so that caused me pain, plus my legs are still very painful so that wasn't exactly helping either. But hey, who cares?? I have a great boyfriend who loves me....I'm a very lucky lady!

"Prolongued exposure to the Orb of Confusion can lead to....confusion!"

I was just thinking about how easy it is to fake your feelings when all the other person can see is typing. For intance, Stef knows me better than anyone but when I'm online, a lot of the time typing doesn't relay exactly how I'm feeling. Sometimes, sure, he can tell by certain things I say that I am upset or whatever, but I can get away with it sometimes too. If I'm on the phone or in person, there's no way I can get away with it because he knows me so darn well. Not that that is by any means a bad thing, I love the fact that he knows me inside out, better than I do (as he tells me). It adds to everything we have. And it's also testiment to how well we get on- I know people who are going out that still have no idea about each other.

Anyway, I've totally digressed and can't really remember my original train of though so I guess I'll be leaving it now... *giggle* If I hurry, I may be able to catch the train on the way back...

Love quiz..

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	Inseperable
Your meeting was by	Luck
They are your	Strength
You are their	True love
Your love will	Be unconditional
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What my body language says...(to Stef only, I would hope!)

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?	yesnoI wish I didI wish I didn'tmost definitelynot until someone proved it to me
Your hands say	I'm always here even if you have to reach for me.
Your eyes say	You're amazing.
Your hugs say	Nothing I desire compares with you.
Your kisses say	I almost can't believe you love me.
Your body says	I want to wake up beside you.
Your heart says	Te amo.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

"he loved his Vespa more than he could ever love me..."

So...the new Bond Girl's character name is Vespa (something or other, can't remember the last name). Makes sense, really, doesn't it??

Name a Bond Girl after a bike.

I'm not going to risk saying anymore, so you guys can make your own jokes... (I know I am!)

"No matter how hard I try, the lonely one refuses to die..."

I went for a skate today for the first time in aaaaaaaaaaages. I also remembered why I don't skate around where I live- most of the pavements are the cement with stones in it, which makes it really hard to skate on *rolls eyes*

Also, I realised the river isn't anywhere near as fun as when I'm with Stef. Or other people. I sat on one of the benches and reminisced about all the good times I had there- with Anna, Dave, lizzy, Tracey, Martin, Duncan, Biggy and, of coures, Stef (though not necessarily at the same time) and then I realised (again) how alone I am at the moment, all of my friends being out of Crapville *sigh*

Still...my injuries take my mind of that for a bit- my wrist is still hurting from a few weeks ago, and my skates were rubbing so my left leg was bleeding earlier and my right leg is majorly sore. I just had the most painful shower of my life thanks to the soreness! Ouuuuuuuuuuuuulch!

So....the Escape Plan

I realised today that I haven't actually mentioned the Escape Plan. Well, guys....I'm getting out of Crapville!!

Thanks to the parents of one certain oooooooh so fine guy, I am moving. Yay!!

That's all I'm going to say for now....more posts in the future!

Sorry I haven't been checking in much lately.

Peace out (yeah, I know. Just felt like saying it.)


Darkest
xxx

Two sides to every story

I've been thinking a lot lately about how there are always two sides to every story (yeah, weirdly random I know) and how most of the time we only see one side. For instance...(names shortened to protect the innocent and not so innocent)...S was with M when M moaned at his mum. Later S told his mum who said she wouldn't let her son talk to her like that. What S failed to mention was that M suffers from depression on and off and mood swings are a part of that which can't really be helped. And of course J wasn't happy with S for mentioning it anyway.

Without the missed out piece of information, M seems like a nasty guy. With it, you realise that it's actually part of an illness.

Okay, that may not have proven my point very well. another example would be Eminem. I'm not excusing his music, but very few people think that there must be a reason he is how he is. for instance, when he was a kid he was bullied. A lot. One time to the extent that he was in a coma for several days. Again, I'm not excusing his music but...well...being bullied can really mess with a person.

I still don't think I'm proving my point very well so I'll end now but well...just think about the fact that there is always two sides to every story.

10 Things

10 things I hate about this world:

1. Pathetic, sex-driven, emotionally crippled men
2. Women who pander to said men
3. Footballers getting paid millions for kicking a ball around when their are kids all over the world who are starving, diseased etc and need that money more than any dumb-ass footballer does
4. Footballers who make a big deal about them doing charity work and then quite happily accept their huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge salary without a second thought (or footballers and their wives [i.e. David and Victoria Beckham] who throw a party for charity and spend as much on champange as they give to the charity)
5. Defence lawyers, especially in rape cases
6. People who think there is no such thing as fun without drinking
7. That sex sells and 99.99999999999999% of the world are buying. Often literally.
8. Paris Hilton
9. People who think that any song with guitar in it must be rock (e.g. Busted, Avril Latrine etc)
10. Untalented people who are famous, eg. Gwen Stefani (come on honey, you must be able to do something that doesn't involve flashing flesh), pretty much all the emos out there, Mcfly, Fightstar, Son of Dork etc etc)
11. a) (Just pretend this is an extension of one of the 10 guys)People who think Christians are all Ned Flanders types and never bother to find out that we're NOT!
b) People who slag off Christians for no reason whatsoever.

10 things I love about this world

1. Stef
2. That when things go bad (ITV series, anyone?) humans can be unbelievably kind, generous, and caring. Shame it takes that for the best to shine through though.
3. The sheer beauty of it
4. Stef's hot chocolate!
5. That we all have free will. I guess it's just a part of life that people will abuse it.
6. There is so much to do! A whole world out there to explore and have fun in!
7. Love
8. That no matter how much crap there is in the world, no matter how much danger, it only takes one person to make you feel secure and protected
9. Technological and medical advances. The good ones. Phones allow people to talk to friends or loved ones who are millions of miles away, the internet....Okay, that could be in the previous 10 too but we'll focus on the good stuff at the moment. Despite the millions of pages of disgusting crap, there is some good out there!
Medicines have cured people of illnesses that would have killed people 100 years ago, uncurable diseases etc can often be helped by painkillers, anti-inflammatories etc (e.g. arthiritus)
10. That every so often something or someone will surprise me enough to make me think "Oh man, I love this place."

10 things I hate doing

1. Having to leave Stef
2. Getting up early
3. Getting out of bed when it's warm and snuggly but freezing cold just outside it
4. Going to the Dr, dentist etc- I dispise having to pay for something that I have to do to stay healthy!
5. Having to resist buying CDs, DVDs etc because it's always when I CAN'T buy them that there are about a million that I WANT to buy
6. Brushing teeth! I still firmly believe that teeth should be self-clean.
7. Walking home when it's freezing cold
8. Looking in the mirror!
9. Singing along with a song that is too deep for me (and yes, the obvious thing would be to not sing but, as Stef will confirm, I will sing along to whatever song is playing at the time, even if I hate it with a deeeeeep passion!)
10. Having to choose between 2 CDs/DVDs etc because I never know which one to choose! Making decisions in general, in fact.

10 things I love doing

1. Seeing Stef
2. Hugging/kissing Stef
3. Travelling
4. Being able to stay in bed when other people have to get up (especially on a cold day)
5. Lying on the lawn (in summer, obviously) listening to a good CD
6. Dancing (I used to like doing it at The Met but now they play crappy music so we don't bother going). Though if Stef's impression of me dancing is accurate, I am never dancing again.
7. Spending days with friends
8. Making people smile/laugh
9.Curling up with Stef and a good film and hot chocolate
10. Eating out with friends

"I miss the crush and I'm home again"

(The Day We Caught the Train- Ocean Colour Scene)

The more I listen to this song, the more I realise that this one line makes me feel sad. Reason? "and I'm home again". Anyone who knows me knows that I hate my home city with a deeeeeeeeeeeeep, deep burning passion so the thought of being home again isn't good!

"The claimant spent a period of four weeks in plaster and was unable to continue his employment as a tree for nearly 8 weeks."

Happiness.

It's so nice to feel happy again. It's been a while (two and a half months or thereabouts). I've missed it. It's so lovely to wake up and be able to smile instead of wake up dreading the next 8 hours and feeling crappy because of that. If this all sounds emo, I do apologise (for clarification, I do not hate my dad, I love him lots!), it's just the way I feel. I felt kinda...I don't know. Broken, I guess. ("I feel so broke inside but I'll devote my life to loving you"). It was just wearing me down day in, day out and I just felt like I was about to come unglued if I continued feeling like that. Testimont to that would be the fact that I was crying most days! I hated that. I hate crying anyway, and lately I've been crying a lot. I guess the lack of sleep, stress and generally feeling crappy was getting to me a lot. Worse still was that I was moaning etc to Stef about it and he was being so lovely and supportive about it all but at the same time I didn't want our conversations to be just me moaning because that isn't fair on him. Also he ALWAYS knows when I'm crying, even when I try to hide it or deny it at all, and I didn't want him to hear me crying. I hate crying in front of people.
With two months of it though, it was all building up day after day and it was REALLY getting to me. The bitchy, backstabbing atmosphere at Crappards wasn't helping me feel any better either, plus the fact that I really didn't fit in with any of those people. There were a few that I'd sit and chat to while we were on lunch, scanning etc but I couldn't really relate to any of them straight off, not the way I relate to Stef, Anna, Dave, Lizzy, Russ etc etc. I remember doing an essay on outsiders in English (based on Lord of the Flies by William Golding, the way Piggy is an outsider and remains so, but Ralph starts of being Mr Popular and then as savagery takes over and Jack rises up the ranks [so to speak], his popularity falls and he ends up having to hide to survive) and it felt kinda like that. That's a crude comparison, I know, but I hated watching their little groups chatting etc and knowing that...well...there was me. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather stay by myself than become the bitching little byatches (!) that they were but at the same time...I don't know. It would've been nice to be able to relate to at least one of them for more than 10 minutes at a time.
More than once it took all of my strength to just go to work. At least once it took all I had to not walk out in the middle of doing something. I don't know how the (few) nice people manage to stay their because the atmosphere of the place was eating me away. I'd go in dreading the day, I'd come out stressed out. The only things that kept me going was the fact I didn't want to walk away and make Stef disappointed, that I wanted to prove to myself that I could stick it out, regardless of how I felt, and also the fact that I believe God has a plan for me and if this was part of it then I had no reason not to stick to it. He's brought me this far, I have every faith that what I'm doing at the moment, what I will be doing in the (hopefully not to distant) future is best for me. Still, I can't deny that I prayed more than once for Him to get me out of there. I can't help but feel a little proud that I did stick with it because I didn't want to, not sure if that's justified or not.

Anyway, at the moment I have Stef to look after me (which he does ooooooooooh so well), take care of me and relax me into the next stage of my life. It's soooooooooooo lovely being in his arms again, and I'm sooo glad that he's proud of me for riding out the past few months.

"So close,no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
And nothing else matters"

I love you so much Stef, thank you for being here for me, for loving me and for keeping me going. You are the greatest man alive!

*happy dance*

I finished work yesterday. YAY!!!

Sooooooooooooooooooooo cool to finally be saying that!

I am seriously so glad I'm out. All the time I was there I was becoming someone I didn't want to be and whom I really didn't like(and when I was talking to Helen yesterday, she said the same thin about herself). The constant bitching and backstabbing was not a pleasant atmosphere to be in day in, day out. And though I didn't join in with the unpleasantness, I did find myself doing things that were totally not me. Just like environment plays a part in how kids grow up, the environment you spend most of your day in is bound to affect you, even if you don't realise it. And I did realise it- I've never sworn so much on a daily basis, I've never thought so many nasty thoughts about people on a daily basis etc. That isn't who I want to be at all.

I went to the doctor today (though my doctor wasn't in, so I saw the nurse practioner)- my chest is clear so I don't have a chest infection (despite all the coughing) and my wrist is "nothing substantial". She prescribed an Ibuprofen gel which I have to apply 3 times a day. It's been soooo painful. It started randomnly at about 4 on Monday afternoon and since then it's been hurting a lot. Hopefully the gel will work though. It's only been a couple of days and it's horrible!